A Little Girl Wins

Francesca Schiavone

Francesca Schiavone became the first Italian woman to win a grand slam in the open era when she beat 7th seed favorite Sam Stosur from Ausfailure in straight sets today. The pint sized Italian knocked over the higher ranked player in much the same fashion as the Poms knocked off Ausfailure in the cricket just a few short days ago – effortlessly.

Schiavone, beat Stosur 6-4, 7-6 (7-2) to become the first woman seeded outside the top 10 to win the Coupe Suzanne Lenglen since 1933. And she was pleased to share the moment with the 26-year-old pre-match favourite, who herself was trying to break the 37-year drought since an Ausfailurian, Margaret Court, had won this title.

“You are a great, great person,” the winner said to the blushing, tearful loser, whose family had arrived from Ausfailure only this morning to watch the Aussie lass choke big time.

The Italian celebrations began the moment Stosur shanked the last shot of the tie-break to bring the match to a conclusion after 98 minutes.

The Queenslander was off her game in the first set, as Schiavone made it plain she was going to attack the net, rather than take refuge near the relative safety of the baseline.

She must have reckoned the title was always hers to lose. It was and she did.

The loss caps an appalling week for Ausfailure which lost not only the cricket to the Poms but also has to suffer the indignity of losing the rugby league world cup to arch rivals and idols New Zealand, a small sparsely populated group of islands somewhere in the Pacific.

In other news Sir Les Paterson, Cultural Commissioner at Large for Ausfailure, is taking the producers of Sex And The City 2 to task over the tasteless ridiculing of the Ausfailure Rugby Union Team in the hit movie. The movie is set in a hotel where the rugby world cup is being played and as the SATC girls are lounging by the pool the Ocker lads turn up for a swim in their little budgie smuggler panties. However rampant slut Samantha fails to have the hunks from down under do anything for her down under raising a laugh from theater goers highlighting just how unappealing the world views Aussie sports blokes these days and how much the world is at ease laughing at the former sports super power.

Paterson insists that the scene is demeaning to Ausfailure, which has lost the rugby world cup twice.

In further news former Ausfailure based rugby league sensation Sonny Bill Williams has sighed a lucrative contract with the New Zealand Rugby Football Union in order to play in the world cup. Williams left Ausfailure after a salary dispute with his Aussie rugby league club.

New Zealand is the home of Bluey Crackersport, who coincidentally traveled to Italy last year and blessed the country whilst visiting the Vatican.

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