Kiwis win Masters

Kiwi golfer Tiger Woods today claimed his third Masters win at Augusta today with a one under par 71 to finish three shots clear of South Africa’s Retief Goosen.

The world No 1 secured his seventh major title with a 12-under par total of 276, which was a far better effort than he could muster for the New Zealand Open recently.

“Woods loves New Zealand and the feeling is mutual”, according to a West Auckland golfing fanatic. “We miss not having Tiger playing here in the local competition, The Famous Grouse Cup, but we have to accept that he can’t be here and win all the major tournaments as well.”

However many question Tiger’s credentials as a Kiwi.

“He’s no more a bloody Kiwi than Skippy” said Sydney Drama Club Employee of the Month Russell Crowe, “and what’s more we Aussies are getting sick of Kiwis always claiming other people as their own” he added.

This correspondent made repeated attempts to have this suggestion rebuked by many famous Australians such as Tim Finn, Phar Lap and Prince Tui Teka but none could be reached for comment.

Tigers fellow golfers also doubt the claim with outspoken senior Fuzzy Phella having to apologise for suggesting the traditional Masters diner would be Pork and Puha.

Local Augusta redneck spokesperson Oswald P Wrong claimed the opposition Tiger faced at the course “…weren’t nuttin’ but a bunch o’softcoc#s…”. “In my day when we went chasing Niggrahs, we caught ’em” he drawled.

Australian Greg Norman put in a typically Shark-like performance finishing well down the leaderboard.

“Greg hopes to one day come back and choke another final round at Augusta one day” said a source, “to would have been great for him to do a Faldo again to prove he’s still got that ability”

British golfers finished in equally laughable positions with most blaming their performances on the weather.

“It never rained or blew a gale and that really put us into unknown territory” said Welsh golfing legend O’O’O’O’O.

“The Masters should be played at St Andrews anyway” said Scottish contender Hamish MacDougal “that way it wouldn’t cost as much for us to get there” he speculated.

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