Following Saturdays horrific loss to the lowly ranked Kiwi rugby league team Australian sports officials are crying foul over the state of the playing field at Albany stadium. Albany is the scene of relentless hammerings to Aussie sports teams at the hands of random New Zealand squads and according to sources close to the losing sides there is a good reason for it.
“The pitch at Albany is decidedly level which gives both teams a fair go” an insider revealed.
“Have another look at Fitzgibbon’s kick at goal where he arses over and ends up looking like a prong” the insider says, “you can see from that shot that the ground is perfectly level.”
“This kind of thing goes against the grain of Australian sport” he sobbed.
“How are we expected to win if the other side has a show?” he whimpered.
Sources close to losing Australian coaching staff were also whingeing their guts out about the levelness of the playing field.
“This kind of thing simply reeks of fairness” moaned one source.
“What’s the point of having our judiciary remove players from contention, siding with the Poms over international availability, balking at the un-Australian concept of neutral referees, and deciding dates, venues and profit sharing if we then actually have to go out and win the game fair and square as well?” he argued.
“If we can’t cheat, what’s the point of playing?”
The view has a lot of sympathy within Australian sporting officialdom according to many unnamed sources.
“It’s asking the rugby league boys to do an awful amount to actually go out and beat a team like New Zealand fair and square” said one anonymous official.
“After all, it’s never been done before and quite possibly is way beyond out ability” he confessed.
This view seems to be backed up by the enormous numbers of Kiwis recruited to prop up many of the rugby league clubs in Australia.
Not all Australians see it the same way, allegedly, however extensive efforts by this scribe to find one went unrewarded.
While many argue that an international test between nations is not the pinnacle of sport this view tends to be laughed at outside of Australia.
Oswald P Wrong, the eminent lecturer of cultural matters at Tikrit University suggested that the Australian perceptive was out of step with current world thinking but was quick to add that this was not unusual for the Aussies.
“Cripes Shag” he said, “it’s not as if they have a history of pulling the right rein anyway”.
Professor Wrong suggested one only had to look at Richard Villisanti’s eleventh hour decision to join the hapless Kangaroo team as just another example of the way Aussies have perfected the art of coming second.
“Take a look at Greg Norman and if that doesn’t do it for you check out the silver medal tally at any recent Olympics” said the world’s leading authority on Australian mediockeracy.
Other international experts might agree with Wrong.
Professors at New York University agreed to look into the situation “once someone tells us where Australia is” according to an unnamed spokesperson.
Meanwhile the caning has been described as “potentially” the death knell for international rugby league by Ben Shafted, a long time Kiwi rugby league follower.
“Mate, this will finish it for the game internationally I reckon” he reckoned.
“The Aussies are such sore losers I doubt they’ll ever agree to playing anyone again”, he predicted. “Look what happened after their sprint to the ocean floor in San Diego” he implored.
“It’s surprising in a way really, the Aussies have gotten really good at losing now so one might have expected them to have gotten used to it” he pondered.
“Not so” according to his brother Ken Shafted.
“The Aussies will want to extract revenge for this complete and total humiliation on the international stage” he said.
“And who could blame them?” he mused. “The entire world saw it and must have wet their pants laughing. I know I did” he giggled.
“Just how they will do it is anyone’s guess, but they don’t take too kindly to being made complete dicks out of by anyone, especially the Kiwis, and they were certainly made dicks of out there on Saturday night all righty” he testified.
Unnamed sources close to the losing Australian ‘world champion’ team said psychologists were working overtime to repair the damage done to the normally thick skinned Australian team. Reports that Willy Mason was on ‘supervised’ 24 hour watch after his humiliating performance could not be verified as this report went to press.
The good news for Australia is that there are no more tests planned with the rampaging Kiwi winning machine.
“There’s no way we’d play them twice” said a yellow blazered Australian source.
“We’re not that stupid” he alleged.
Meanwhile former New Zealander Villisanti has denied rumors of an offer to join up with the appalling Brisbane Broncoes outfit next season.
“I haven’t been an Australian very long and I don’t like losing that much” he decided.
He denied reports suggesting his agent was close to finalising plans for him to play in Queensland and that the sticking point was the offer of temporary accommodation in local backpacking hostel.
Meanwhile Kiwi coach Daniel Anderson was ecstatic at the teams performance.
“If I ever get the job to coach Australia I’ll make sure I get to pick enough Kiwis to make sure we win” he promised.
